


Wide Awake

by fhsa_archivist



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Drabble
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-05-26
Updated: 2004-05-26
Packaged: 2019-02-05 13:12:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12795312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fhsa_archivist/pseuds/fhsa_archivist
Summary: Note: This takes place approximately 5 years after the movie, so it's technically an alternate universe (although it could have happened- don't look at me that way, it could). The X-files are still open and both Mulder and Scully still work there, although the Consortium has crumbled. If I decide to expand on this story I'll explain all that and this whole note will be redundant, but until then I'll keep it.





	Wide Awake

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Haven, the archivist: This story was originally archived at [Fandom Haven Story Archive (FHSA)](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Fandom_Haven_Story_Archive), was scheduled to shut down at the end of 2016. To preserve the archive, I began working with the OTW to transfer the stories to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2017. If you are this creator and the work hasn't transferred to your AO3 account, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Fandom Haven Story Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/fhsa/profile).

I let him do it. I let someone pull me into a relationship, just like I let someone else pull me out of it. Makes me wonder why I bother with a backbone at all. Maybe I should just snap it and become the physical incarnation of the invertebrate that I am on the inside. Maybe I should- "Go to sleep Mulder". 

 

His voice snaps me out of what my therapist would call 'self-defeating emotions'. Never mind they're true. I stop the maudlin thoughts, knowing they upset him. Even as I do it, a voice in the back of my mind wonders when I stopped thinking for myself, to hell with what others want me to think. Have I really lost that much of myself? 

 

I shake my head slightly, staring out the window, into the gloomy darkness. It's comforting, feeling the world echoing my sentiments in color, in temperature, in feeling. Dark and cold. Seems that at least nature understands me. 

 

"Mulder" This time his tone has more warning in it, but I don't acknowledge the tone, the speaker, or the word, or should I say the meaning behind the word. I just stare out the window, until I feel myself being pulled under by the numbing cold. It's not inside the car; it's just inside me. 

 

Maybe I am tired after all. 

 

*************************************** 

 

I am abruptly awoken by a hand shaking my left shoulder. It's hard, but not too hard. Not hard enough to dissuade me from trying to go back to sleep. But what the hand lacks in strength it makes up for in persistence. Annoying persistence. Finally the man attached to the hand gets irritated. 

 

"Come on Mulder, we're here." I sigh dramatically and open my eyes, squinting to focus. My neck and shoulders ache from the angle I fell asleep in, and my head hurts from being pressed against the glass. Sitting up, I glance around, trying to figure out where I am, looking for signs. 

 

I see nothing. 

 

Unbuckling my seatbelt I follow my new leader, who has already vacated the vehicle. We're in an underground garage, and I have to jog to reach him before the elevator arrives. I'm not sure why I'm hurrying. I know he'd wait for me. 

 

Hell, he's waited almost 4 damn years. 4 years too many for someone like me. 

We ride the elevator silently, each in our separate spheres, each contemplating the move we've just made. Or at least I think that's what he's doing. It's hard to tell sometimes, the way he always looks so calm, so cool. He'd look as cold as the freezing winds outside if it weren't for the fire that sparks in his eyes. 

 

God I love his eyes. 

 

Oh that's easy to say. It's easy to love a part of someone, just as it's easy to hate something about him or her, or some annoying personality trait. It's easy to take someone apart to find the things you love and hate, but to love the whole is entirely different. 

 

And I never said that. 

 

There are several people I have loved in my lifetime, men and women who I loved for their entire being, all the good and bad things together. But it never seemed to last on their side. All of them, one by one, left me alone, in some way. Except Scully. But she doesn't love me like that. She loves her husband that way, but not me. She loves me like a child, like a full-grown son. 

But I know he loves me. 

 

The only problem there is I don't think I can love him back that way. Too much has happened. Time is irreversible and things said and done are irreparable. The elevator dings, and I'm amazed at how quickly I managed to go through that whole routine. It's fairly common one, so I guess practice just makes perfect. 

 

I follow him down the hall, and he stops silently at 549. I stand to the left, waiting for him to reach in his pocket for a key. But to my surprise he knocks. I hear rustling behind the door, and after a few moments a muffled "Who's there?" reaches our ears. 

 

It's apparently a rhetorical question though, because before any answer can be made the door flies open and my counterpart is being strangled to death in a chokehold. Or it could be a hug. 

 

As it turns out it's the latter, because he's smiling as a little woman hugs him and laughs, saying "Oh my god, Alex!" He laughs too, and I'm instantly mesmerized. It's the first time I've heard him laugh in almost 7 years. 

 

The woman is ushering him in, saying "it's about damn time you came back, where have you been?" Alex waves for me to follow him in, so I do, giving the apartment a cursory exam as I follow them into the living room. 

 

It's obviously well kept, with a comfy, homey feel to it. It's stylish, but not overdone or opulent. The walls are done in a warm beige, and the couches are huge and overstuffed, black with huge matching pillows. The art, on the other hand, is very sophisticated, and the pieces are mostly set at night. An entertainment center sits across from the sofa set, complete with dozens of movies on the right side and cds on the left. 

 

I finally turn my attention to the woman, who is still talking excitedly to Alex. I have to tune myself back into her high soprano voice. "So then I had to call him and tell him I couldn't go but that I would try to be there for the next show and that you were sorry you couldn't go. He basically told me off and hasn't talked to me again, but I didn't want to be around him anymore anyways, so it worked out fine for me. Who's this?" She nods to me, and I try to catch up to her, her voice speeding off at a rate that would cost her a ticket were any officers around. Alex, however, seems used to it, and simply states "That's Mulder." 

 

She cocks both her head and her right eyebrow, and says, "Is he supposed to be staying here?" Alex nods, and I get the feeling that this isn't the first time he's brought people here on short notice. As if confirming my observation, she says, " You know, it wouldn't kill you to call in a few hours ahead of time, let me know in advance." Alex nods again, stands up, and says, "Sure, I'll do it next time" while walking down the hallway. 

 

The woman rolls her eyes, and I realize they've gone through this before. She sighs, and then looks at me curiously. We both sit in silence for a few moments, before she beings talking. 

 

"So you're Mulder." It's a statement, and I nod absently. 

 

"I'm Isabella. You can just call me Isa" I nod again, taking her in. 5'4, she has thick, almost black hair that stops right above her elbows, deep brown eyes, and caramel skin. At first glance she looked Hispanic, but once I looked at her a bit longer that didn't seem right. There's something about her features that doesn't fit. I mean, she's beautiful, but in a very exotic, unusual way. 

 

"What are you?" Oops, that didn't come out right. "Don't mind him" Alex replies, stepping back into the room. I hear the toilet flushing in the background. "He's never been known for his tact". The woman doesn't seem offended, and looks at me while she says "I'm malado." At my questioning look she continues "Half black and half white. My dad was Sicilian and my mother was half black and half Puerto Rican" I nod and it suddenly hits me. 

 

"We're in Boston" Alex snorts, and says "Well, despite you're sudden change of topic, you're right. How'd you know?" I nod towards Isa, saying, "It was her accent." Now it's her turn to smile. Nice to know I'm amusing. 

 

"It's that bad?" I shake my head. "No, I've just been around it long enough to recognize it when I hear it." She looks mildly interested at this new information. "So you're from Boston?" 

 

As I'm nodding Alex chooses this moment to take off, announcing "Well I'm glad the two of you are getting along, but I have some things to take care of. I'll be back later." With that he's out the door, and I realize he never even took his coat off. I sigh and lean back into the loveseat, which is really quite comfortable. His departure signals the end of my interest in talking, especially since the topic moved to yours truly. I've decided I've had enough conversation for right now, and apparently Isa understands, because she gets up and walks into the kitchen, handing me the television remote as she passes. 

 

I simply sit and stare at the remote, letting my mind wander, never once thinking that could turn the TV on if I wanted to, could watch whatever the hell I wanted to. Instead I stare at it, figuring someone else will take care of it, someone else will put what they want on. 

 

Who the hell am I kidding. I'm waiting for Drew to put something on. 

 

Drew always took care of things, even when I didn't want him to. I'll never forgive myself for letting him sucker me into a 'relationship' with him, if you could even call it that. I was depressed, and lonely, and without any interesting X-files or Scully to interest me, I went out to find something to do. Instead I found Drew. 

 

He seemed nice. Friendly. Good-looking too. Just as tall as I was, lighter hair and blue eyes, thick, stocky build. I thought it was going to be a one-night stand, but somehow he manipulated it into more. And I let him. At first it seemed like a good idea. Even Scully couldn't find anything wrong with it. But over time the little things seemed to grow, until I didn't know how to even begin to approach then. He was overly suspicious, but then again who am I to talk about paranoia. Possessive, but I thought I was just being an egomaniac. Fights over the dumbest, smallest things. 

 

After a while it became routine, and before I knew it, I was sunk deep into a relationship I didn't know how to get out of, that I wasn't prepared to be in. Then one night the hitting started. I'll never know why I didn't slug him back. God knows I could have, should have. Assault of a federal officer. A god damn federal officer who can't defend himself. How utterly pathetic. I'm pathetic. 

I'm also really tired. 

 

Seems that little nap in the car wasn't very long, because I'm still exhausted. From what I heard from Alex and Isa's conversation I'll be staying here for a while, so I stand up and walk the few steps to the couch. Splaying myself out on it, I quickly sink into the black tar pits of sleep. 

 

*************************** 

 

"In the night 

In my dreams 

I'm in love with you 

'Cause you talk to me like lovers do 

I feel joy 

I feel pain 

'Cause it's still the same 

When the night is gone I'll be alone" 

 

I crack my eyes open, trying to discern where the music is blasting. I can hear an accompanying voice to my right, and catch a glimpse of Isa walking from what is presumably a bedroom to the bathroom. I sit up, try to stretch the sleepiness from my limbs, and look at the clock on the stereo. 8:44 pm. I know it's a Saturday night, so I'm guessing Isa's getting ready to go out. She only looks to be in her early 20s, so it's probably likely. Either way the music is still playing. 

 

"Another night 

Another dream 

But always you 

It's like a vision of love that seems to be true" 

 

It's a dance tune, and although the words are melancholy the song is upbeat. Isa sways back into her bedroom, and I have to smile. I stand and walk towards the bathroom, recognizing nature's call when I hear it. As I reach the door Isa returns from the bedroom, almost walking into me with a startled expression on her face. 

 

"Oh I'm sorry did I wake you up?" I shake my heard no, even though she did. 

"I needed to get up anyway." She nods, as if accepting my statement even though she clearly disagrees with it. 

 

"Well me and a few of my friends are going out and you're free to join us if you want to?" It's a question, and I try to politely decline. "No thanks, I think I just want to hang out here if that's okay with you" She nods in quick agreement. "Oh sure, no problem, you're welcome to anything in here. Do whatever you feel like, make yourself at home. Oh, and Alex came and left again, said to tell you he'd be back in another hour or so." 

 

I nod, trying to hide my sudden disappointment at not seeing him here. It hits me so quick and sharp that I'm surprised, and I know it must show on my face. And what a look it must make. Fear, surprise, disappointment, and that damn ever-present pain. An odd combination, but one my face is pretty used to expressing by now. Actually sometimes I wonder if anything else shows on there at all. My guess would be no. 

 

Isa turns around and walks back into the bedroom, searching for something in her closet. I enter and exit the bathroom pretty quickly, knowing she needs to go back in. I slowly drag myself back to the sofa, inexplicably tired. I don't know why, and I know it's not normal, but I can't seem to bring myself to care. 

 

I look to the right of the entertainment center, at the large window that reaches from floor to ceiling. It grabs my attention and I get up and walk to it, ignoring the music still blaring from the speakers now right next to my ears. The view is beautiful. 

 

We're 5 floors up, and it's just high enough to see all the way down the street, but low enough that I can still make out people. The sky is black, and the lights an incredible array of gold, reds, and greens. There are dozens of people walking up and down the street, their thick coats keeping out the cold January air. It seems so large and at the same time so isolated a moment that I feel tears attacking my eyes, fighting for a way out, down my face. 

 

I can't remember the last time I cried. 

 

I take a huge sigh, willing the tears to stay back. Some distant, almost-forgotten part of my mind wonders if all my emotions and feelings are dying, if my soul is dying, but I ignore it. My soul is dead. 

 

Maybe that's why I'm so tired. 

 

If there's nothing but a body here, what's to keep me awake, to keep me going? I used to be driven by my soul, that deep, ripping pain that would send me down another dangerous path, in search of my truth. But I found my truth years ago, and now I have nothing to look for. My quest is finished, the answers found, and I have no idea what to do with myself. My thoughts, if possible, drag me down even further into my black pit of despair, and I let them, turning away from the window and walking back to the sofa. Once more I let sleep take me, and its dark depths take me in, keep my hidden. 

 

***************************************** 

 

Again I am awoken by a hand on my shoulder. It's firm, but obviously Alex isn't trying to startle me awake. The though that anyone would care how I would wake is almost enough to send me into tears. Almost. 

 

Alex speaks softly in my right ear. "Hey Mulder, wake up. I have something to show you." A number of lewd thoughts enter my mind, but I'm far too tired to voice any of them. Instead I simply sit up, with a feeling like that of a weary traveler, one who has searched so hard and long for the treasure that once he finds it doesn't matter anymore. The only reason he looks at all is so he can say he fulfilled his mission. I know that weariness shows on my body, on my face, but I don't care. 

 

I just don't care anymore. 

 

When I finally look at Alex he seems worried. It shows in his eyes. At any other time I would find that amusing to no end, but right now I simply want to get to the point so I can go back to sleep. Looking at the clock I realize it's only 11:32. Maybe if I could get a full night's sleep I wouldn't be so goddamn tired. 

My gaze shifts downward, towards the coffee table where I realize several cartons are lying. Chinese food. It's then I realize that's what I'm smelling. Alex smiles, a reassuring, disarming smile. I wish I cared enough to enjoy that smile. I really do. Instead I think about the last time I had Chinese food. Drew didn't like take-out. We rarely had it. 

 

It's then that I realize I won't be going back there. At least not anytime soon. At least not as long as Alex is around. I suddenly have to ask "Why are you doing this?" 

 

Alex looks confused, and more that a little wary. "I thought you might be hungry." He knows that not what I meant. 

 

"Why did you bring me here? Why did you take me away from...from my home?" I try to stress the word home, but I know as soon as the words come out of my mouth that I've failed. 

 

Alex suddenly looks angry. "You're home? That wasn't your home, Mulder. It wasn't. It was sapping away every part of you that makes you ... that makes you you!" He looks frustrated, as if he has hundreds of words stuck in his throat and only the little, unimportant ones are finding their way out. 

 

"Mulder, I know this may be hard to believe, but I want to help you. I want to bring back the Mulder I knew. Isa's a friend of mine who let's me stay here when I need a place in town, and has no problem helping anyone I bring along." 

 

"Why does she help you?" 

 

At this, Alex smirks a little. " I helped her out once or twice... she had some people ripping her off, stealing from her, and I just helped her out." I can't help the sarcastic remark that shoots out of my mouth before I can close it. "Yeah, I'll bet you did" Oddly enough though, Alex doesn't get mad. In fact, he smiles. A real, genuine smile. It's so radiant it grabs me and drags me into its glow. I could bask in it forever. 

 

All too soon though, it dies off. "Mulder, this is what I mean. I want to get the real you back, the you I knew and lo..." He trails off, and I feel like the me he's so sure exists will die if he doesn't finish his sentence. After an everlasting painful minute, he finishes, eyes pinning the carpet in place, "the you I fell in love with." His voice is so soft I almost don't hear it. 

 

But I do, and I feel a part of me surge. A part I thought was gone forever. I stand up and walk towards the window. For one moment I take in the view, then I turn back to Alex, waving to him. 

 

"Come here. I want to show you something". Alex stands and walks over to me, stands to my left. 

 

"Isn't it beautiful?" I nod towards the street and Alex obliges me, looking out the window. He nods in agreement, and I can't help but be overwhelmed by the beauty he possesses. He looks radiant with the golden light reflecting off his skin. 

 

"Everything is so wide open, so free" At this Alex seems to realize my point, and slowly turns my head. Fixing his eyes to mine, even though I saw them flicker to the huge bruise and cut under my right eye, which is positively disgusting by now. His green gaze settles into mine, and I feel his very essence sear into mine, breathing life into me. 

 

"You're free, Mulder" and his lips touch mine. 

 

Suddenly I'm wide-awake. 

 

 

The End


End file.
